Helping a loved one with an addiction, without losing yourself

Worry, anger, shame, exhaustion, helplessness: when someone close is caught in an addiction, the people around them often go through all of this at once. These reactions are normal. One thing is hard to accept, and yet essential: nobody can stop in someone else's place. That said, a loved one matters a great deal, and the way they are present can either help or lock the situation in place.

Why "making them stop" doesn't work

Wanting to make someone stop is a reflex of love and protection. But pressure (ultimatums, monitoring, repeated reproaches) rarely has the intended effect. It tends to push the person to hide, play things down or shut down, and it wears out the one applying it.

According to the Fédération Addiction, it is the person's free and informed choice that guides the success of a care project, whether they want to cut down or to abstain. In other words, the decision is theirs. The role of those around them is not to decide, but to create conditions in which asking for help becomes possible.

What really helps

• Choose the right moment. A calm conversation, one to one, outside a crisis and away from the substance, is more likely to be heard than a heated exchange.
• Talk about what you see and feel ("I'm worried, I can see that…") rather than judging the person ("you're irresponsible").
• Ask open questions and listen to the answers, even when they are uncomfortable: "How are you experiencing all this?"
• Acknowledge efforts, even small ones, and don't reduce the person to their use.
• Stay available: say the door remains open, without demanding an immediate answer.
• Suggest without imposing: find out more, offer to go along to an appointment, let the person choose.

What doesn't help (even with the best intentions)

• Reproaches, guilt-tripping, humiliating comparisons.
• Constant control: searching, monitoring, counting drinks or hours.
• Covering for the consequences: lying to the employer, repaying again and again, making up for every lapse. It protects in the moment, but takes away the person's chance to measure the impact of what is happening.
• Threats that are never carried out, which end up losing all credibility.
• Holding yourself responsible: you neither caused the addiction nor have the power to cure or control it.

Protecting yourself

Helping someone doesn't mean disappearing. When the situation goes on, those around the person wear down: sleep, work, relationship, mood. A few markers:

• Set clear limits: what you accept, what you will no longer do, and stick to them kindly.
• Keep spaces of your own: friendships, activities, rest. Your balance is a resource for everyone, including the person concerned.
• Don't stay alone with this: talk to someone you trust, a professional, or other relatives of people affected.
• Think about the children, who notice a lot even when you think you are protecting them.

Where to find help for yourself

Those around the person are entitled to support too:

• Alcool Info Service (0 980 980 930) and Drogues Info Service (0 800 23 13 13) also take calls from people wondering about a loved one's use. Calls are anonymous (French numbers).
• CSAPA (care, support and prevention centres in addiction, in France) welcome relatives, and young-user consultations support the families of young people concerned.
• Support groups for relatives, such as Al-Anon for those around people with an alcohol problem (see our Resources page).
• An addiction specialist, to take stock of your own situation: at a first session you can come with a loved one, or come for yourself.
• The free guide "Helping a loved one affected by addiction", available in the e-books section.

Further reading

• Denial in addiction: why we can't see our own use
• Relapse in addiction: what it tells you, and what helps you start again
• Why do people become dependent? Substance, person, context

Frequently asked questions from relatives

To talk about your situation, you can book an appointment or find out about addiction support.